This recap is late because I was waiting for all of you HBO GO people to get it together, form an orderly line and watch the season premiere. Are we at that point yet? Did you watch it? Are you guys okay? Do you need a blanket or something? [Photo via]
Regardless, spoilers abound below.
On with the recap:
The Red Viper of Dorne has long been a fan favorite for book readers, and with a reveal this badass he’s about to become the face that launched a thousand heavily filtered gifsets. After touching the bits of some of Kings Landing’s quality sex workers and straight up shanking a dude, Oberyn declares his motivation for coming to King’s Landing in the simplest terms possible: he’s mad as heck (at the Lannisters and their henchman Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane) and he’s just not going to take it anymore. Tyrion recognizes how dangerous Oberyn is and gets the heck away from him as soon as possible.
Tyrion has his own problems, namely that his father is a jerk, his mistress is an annoying clod who understands actually none of what is going on around her at all times, and his wife hates him. It’s sad how earnest he is with Sansa; Tyrion does try so hard to be a good person (if not a good husband), but his Lannister name removes all hope of a relationship with the woman to whom he is legally bound.
The other Lannisters, Incest Twins Cersei and Jamie, finally have a scene together for the first time since season one. They have nothing in common anymore, seeing as Jamie’s priorities have been rearranged by his great wide tour of Westeros and Cersei refuses to forgive him for leaving her with no protection against the actual legions of men who fight over her fate like she’s not even a person. When Cersei rebuffs Jamie’s advances, he’s the second Lannister boy in this episode who watches as his only source of worldly comfort abandons him. Please let episode two be just Jamie and Tyrion getting drunk and emotional over their girl problems. Please.
As for Daenerys- she’s still futzing around Essos with her dragons, who really ought to be trained by now. Seriously Dany, I’m from the future. Get a handle on those dragons. She’s planning on taking the city of Meereen next, but is distracted along the way by Daario Naharis, the sellsword captain who mysteriously no longer resembles a bargain basement knockoff of Legolas, son of Thranduil. Now he just looks like a bargain basement knockoff of Alcide from True Blood. Way to keep it in the network with that recast, HBO.
He brings Dany flowers, undresses her with his eyes, and does pretty much everything short of training her dragons to spell out “DO ME” in charred goat corpses. Their sexy mood is only shattered by the first of a hundred and twenty-odd dead children that the Meereenese have laid out to welcome Dany to their city. I would have just gone with a fruit basket.
Finally we catch up with BFFS Arya and the Hound, who have been crossing Westeros on the back of only one horse. If the increasing pace and cleverness of their banter is any kind of indicator, they’ve developed the kind of relationship where they stay up late every night, hone their blades/do their nails, and talk about how annoying Joffrey is. They stumble upon an inn that just so happens to be playing host to Polliver’s crew- Polliver was the Lannister bannerman who rounded up Arya, Gendry, Hot Pie and the rest and took them to Harrenhall. He’s more or less a dick, and he also has Arya’s sword Needle.
The Hound has exactly zero patience for Polliver, because while Sandor Clegane is all for cutting people into pieces and stomping their skulls into the dirt, he draws the line at blatant misogyny. It’s a little sweet to see how he looks out for Arya in the weirdest, most violent and profanity-laced way ever.
Arya kills Polliver slowly and reclaims her Needle, a revenge that hearkens back to Oberyn Martell’s earlier threat: The Lannisters aren’t the only ones who pay their debts. Forget “The North Remembers,” Arya Stark remembers, and Arya Stark could not give less of a crap about mercy.
Other things that happened:
Sansa runs off into a garden and meets a clown. He gives her a present. That’s it. That’s the movie.
Loras Tyrell’s favorite blond gigolo makes an appearance as Littlefinger’s new second-in-command, and also gets his junk snatched by Oberyn Martell. I’m taking bets on how long this one will last. RIP Ros.
Ygritte is cranky because she shot her boyfriend in the torso three times. Girl, I know those feels.
We are introduced to the Thenns, a different kind of wilding band that have a taste for….no wait- they want to have you for…ugh there has to be a good joke in here somewhere…they’re here to serve…make you a plate…cannibals. They’re cannibals. They just eat people. That’s all I’m trying to say.
Jon Snow is alive and defending his recent spy mission to Janos Slynt, the former head of the City Watch. They’re not friends. Master Aemon wins this round for snark. Ten points to Gryffindor.
Brienne pressures Jamie to remove Sansa Stark from King’s Landing and he’s having none of it. He calls her ugly, then presumably goes on to steal her lunch money and gets his gum stuck in her hair on purpose.
Bonus Points: The look on Ellaria Sand’s ‘s face when Oberyn hears “The Rains of Castamere” is nearly identical to Missandei’s face from last season when Daenerys sicced her dragon on the Astapori slaver. “Sugar, you’re going DOWN.”
Until next week!